This morning, at 6.30am, I took the test we’d been waiting 2 weeks for. I couldn’t bear to watch it develop, so I went back into the bedroom where Toby was bouncing all over our bed and a tired John fought to keep his sleep-deprived eyes open.
We went back to get the results together, all 3 of us. I saw it, John saw it, Toby asked what was happening.
“Little bear, do you remember we talked about there maybe being a baby in mummy’s tummy?
“Do you think there is one, or there isn’t one?”
“Hmmmm, there IS one!”
“You’re right! There’s a baby in mummy’s tummy!”
“Can we get it out?!”
“Not yet hunny, babies take a long time to grow big.”
“Can I see the bump?”
*lifts my top*
“It’s just my normal tummy bump right now, but it will get bigger.”
I can’t believe it.
All these years.
All this time.
All those injections.
All those scans.
All those pills.
All those babies that have been conceived and born in that time.
All of it.
All for this.
This moment now.
It’s too huge.
Pregnancy tests are so small. Too small. They should be much bigger objects, to adequately convey the gravity of the news they are created to deliver.
I immediately did the second test I had – the free one from the clinic. Two blue lines. Pregnant.
Then in very quick succession we had to look after Toby, go to work, go to preschool, manage 2 builders and a plumber, call the clinic, let key people know and do the washing.
I’m now sat in a coffee shop trying to believe that I’m actually pregnant. I do not currently believe it.
I go to the clinic this afternoon to collect more drugs, which I must take until 12 weeks pregnant. And I have booked in an early scan for 25th April. This is a viability scan at the clinic, and is an additional IVF scan, not normally offered on the NHS. They’ll check there’s a heartbeat.
By their calculations (that are different to the convention of calculating from the first day of your last period – obviously growing the embryo for 5 days and freezing them for a month interferes with the timing of things somewhat) I am 4 weeks pregnant. By my calculations I think that means I’m due on boxing day!
I watched a few friends go through the stress of a Christmas-season delivery last year, so I’ll be needing a show of hands for all those who will wilfully abandon their Christmas plans to help us out with childcare etc. Feel free to DM me.
I honestly feel a bit numb. A mixture of very excited and totally terrified that sort of cancel each other out somehow.
Thank you for all of your prayers, good vibes, and well wishes. Please continue to send them out way as our tiny embryo gets established in its 9-month residency and compiles all its bits and bobs into the right places.